Breakups, Broken Hearts, and Bagels

Now, I may be going out on a limb here. But my guess is, if you are over the age of 16, you have probably dealt with your fair share of breakups (or at least one). If you are married or in a serious relationship, maybe those don't really hurt any more. But if you are single, those breakups may still cause a little ache in your chest when you think about them. I can't speak for guys, or all girls for that matter, but I know, for a lot of us, when processing things after a break up, our thoughts often turn inward. What if I had said this instead? What if I had not said that? What if this was different or better about me? What if I had tried harder or hidden that part of myself? We begin to question ourselves. We might even go back to important conversations and begin to analyze every word we said or didn't say in those conversations, wondering if we could have changed the outcome.

I have never quite understood why we do this, but I think that it's pretty normal. Rather than thinking about what the other person could have done or said differently, we focus on ourselves. We begin to place all the blame on ourselves. Maybe it is some sort of defense mechanism. Like we think that by taking the blame on ourselves, we hold the keys to our hearts. We are the ones controlling whether or not we get hurt, all along avoiding the fact that somebody else hurt us and there was nothing we could have done to stop it.

One of my favorite bloggers, Stephanie May Wilson, came to the Lord after one of her toughest breakups. Because of the nature of her story, she talks a lot about things women face in life, including breakups. In a series of letters she wrote, she mentions a theory one of her friends told her about during a break up. She calls it the Bagel Theory. Now, at first, it may seem a little juvenile, and maybe even a little silly. But the more I thought about it, the more beautiful it became. Basically, the Bagel Theory is this: everyone is a different type of bagel, and everyone has a different kind of bagel that they like the most. So perhaps you are a chocolate chip bagel, but the person you were dating likes blueberry bagels the most. So, when things don't work out, it's not because there is anything wrong with you, you just aren't that person's kind of bagel.

Like I said, it sounds pretty silly. But it is also so beautiful and reassuring because it takes away the questions about ourselves. Instead of being critical of ourselves when our hearts are already hurting, it reminds us that we aren't the problem. It also keeps us from being critical of the other person. Instead of all the negative thoughts or feelings we inevitably have towards the person who hurt us, we  begin to see that it wasn't personal. They just like a different kind of bagel. And that's okay, because we both want to be able to have our most favorite kind of bagel.

Maybe, like me, your heart is hurting right now. And maybe you have also been replaying conversations and wishing you had done or said something different. I will tell you what I told myself, STOP! You are not the problem. They are not the problem. You are two people in search of different bagels. And maybe, sweet friend, you are struggling because you thought they were your perfect fit. And it's hard to process how you could be so certain they were your favorite, but somehow you weren't theirs. And to be honest, I don't have the perfect words to say to you. Trust me, if I did, I would shout them from the rooftop. For you and me and everyone else with a hurting heart. All I can say, is that maybe you were mistaken about what your favorite kind of bagel was. Maybe you thought your favorite was chocolate chip, but there is actually a kind of bagel that you have never even heard of that will blow those chocolate chip bagels out of the water.

I am praying for you, friend. Because hurting hearts are often the worst kind of pain. Keep your eyes on Jesus. I know that is easier said than done, but I also know that He is faithful. Through your confusion and hurt and pain, He is still by your side. He is wrapping His arms around you and helping you take the next step towards healing. And it may be a painful step, but He is there all the same. His arms are the safest place for your heart to be. So talk to Him, even when you don't understand or feel like He let you down, talk to Him anyway. He can handle your anger and your hurt and your confusion. I promise you, He is weaving and knitting together the most beautiful story for you. Lean into Him and trust Him, and He will show Himself faithful. Always.

Who are You Living For?

As I am writing this, I am really hoping that I am not the only person who has ever experienced this. Because I have been experiencing this in major ways lately. How many times have we heard people quoting “God will give us the desires of our heart” in support of a decision or a choice they were making? Yeah, quite a bit, I imagine. I have said it, too! And don’t get me wrong, I truly do believe that! But, here’s the thing I think we forget lots of times, sometimes (actually, all the time) God knows the TRUE desires of our hearts better than we do. 

So, about a month ago, I got back from a mission trip to Zimbabwe. (More on that to come.) I have been on multiple mission trips, about one per year. So naturally, people kept asking me which trip I was going to go on next year. I always said generally the same thing. “I’m not sure yet. There are several I’m trying to decide between. But, I do know which one I will NOT be going on. India.” The next question would usually be to ask me why. And again, my answer was the same. “I just never need to go there. India is a place that I have literally no desire to go to.” 

<Insert laughter here> Want to know why? Turns out, God had different plans. As people continued to ask me what trip I thought I would go on, India was always the first place that came to my mind. I just brushed it off at first. “Hilarious God. You and I both know that’s not happening.” Every time I thought about signing up for a different trip, I couldn’t do it. It just didn’t seem right. Around this same time, my family and I finally watched the movie Lion, which takes place in, you guessed it, India. “God, I can’t go there. It’s dirty and crowded. It’s probably smelly, too. God, this is not the kind of trip I like. You know that. You know I never want to go to India. Why would you ask me to go there?” I began to fight God on it, BIG time. At the end of the movie, there were some stats about the number of kids trafficked in India each year. And of course, I started bawling. In my heart, I knew I had to go. But even through the seeing and the knowing, I continued to argue with God about it. I knew I needed to go, but refused to admit it.

A little over a week ago, I was attending a service at Oneighty. The message was all about being in God’s will. (Coincidence? Probably not.) There were a lot of things in the service that stuck out to me. But the biggest was a question that was presented. “Who are you living for? God or yourself.” I knew that question was for me. If I chose to go on a different trip, I would be making that decision for myself. Not because I actually thought it was the trip I was supposed to go on. I was scared to death, but I could feel God whispering to me that I could do it and that He had me. So, when I got home that night, I filled out the application. To be honest, I’m still terrified. I still find myself arguing with God when I start to think about it. (So much so, that I didn't tell my family about signing up until yesterday!) But I have to remind myself that God knows me better than I know myself. The things we are doing on this trip and the organizations we are going to be working with are all of the things that are near and dear to my heart. I have never felt called to a particular trip like this before. And even through my fear and worry, I know that God has got me. And I know that He is guiding my every step. 

After I signed up for India, I thought about applying for the trip that I actually wanted to go on. You want to know what’s cool? I felt total peace about it! After I took the step that God asked me to take and trusted Him with my heart and my desires, He gave me the peace I needed to pursue that desire of my heart. See, when God’s will seems to be different than our own, I think we need to stop and remind ourselves that God created us. He knows the desires in our hearts so much better than we ever can. He also sees the big picture of our lives and what steps it’s going to take to get us to the places He has for us. Don’t assume that God is asking you to do something contrary to your desires. He just knows what’s in your heart, underneath all the other stuff that sometimes gets in the way. Trust Him. You can do it. He’s got you. 

Cole

Today, I came across this post that I wrote in April. I'm not sure why I didn't post it then. But reading over it again, I knew that I was ready to share it today.

This past March marked nine years since my precious cousin Cole passed away. Each year when it rolls around, I acknowledge it privately, but try not to dwell on it. I miss him dearly, but I also know that he is having so much fun in Heaven. I feel like he is probably BFF's with Jesus by now. Anyway, this year, I haven't quite stopped thinking about it. I truly wish that everyone on earth could have met Cole. He was so much fun, and was genuinely liked by everyone. His joy and kindness were so evident in everything he did. I will never forget the time he thought a boy had made me cry and was ready to go beat him up, without hesitation. Or how he pronounced my name "Lorn." Or the fact that he waned to be just like Lane Frost when he grew up. (Oh, how many times we watched 8 Seconds!!)

Lately, I have been trying really hard to lead a little bit more of an exciting life. (Since right now, my life consists of work, Netflix, books, and ice cream.) But somehow, I always end up falling back into the mundane rhythms we often find ourselves in. Recently, I made a list of exciting things I want to do or places I want to go. I also decided that I was going to try to say "yes" more often when people ask me to do things or try things.

As I was thinking about Cole tonight, I realized part of the reason his life and joy and happiness were so infectious. Cole truly and completely lived his life to the fullest. He was always trying new things and doing exciting (sometimes dangerous) things. I am sure this attitude of being up for anything and everything got him into trouble more times than he could count. But, at the same time, I wonder if there is any other way to live. Cole's life was entirely too short. He passed away 11 days before his 15th birthday. But I think he had a life that was filled with as much joy and adventure and fun as a person three times his age.

Now, please do not stop reading this when you realize the cheesy moral of this post. I sometimes think that the cheesy things we try to ignore, are actually the things we need to be reminded of the most. How many times have we heard the phrases about living life to the fullest? Live, laugh, love. YOLO. No regrets. Dance like nobody is watching. It's not the number of breaths you take, but the moments that...blah blah blah. I think we can all agree that those phrases are way overused. However, when we picture the lives we want to live or the experiences we want to have or the places we want to go, those cheesy phrases are often exactly how we want to go about life. We want to travel to all the places on our list. We want to go skydiving or snorkeling. We want to try to start that new hobby that we have always been interested in, but never been brave enough to try. Because, after all, what if we fail? Or what if something we try or a place we go isn't as wonderful as we thought it would be? What then?

If I'm being honest, that is often the reason I don't do the things I want to. I am worried that I won't like it or it won't be what I expected or it will be scary. But honestly, so what? So what if you end up hating snorkeling? What if skydiving is terrifying? What if you go to Italy, and it's nothing like what you expected? At least you did it! At least you finally tried something new. At least you crossed a country off of your bucket list. I hope that I can start living my life like this. I want to travel to the places I've always wanted to go. I want to try new hobbies that I might be terrible at. And I might even want to go skydiving. I would like to think, that by living my life this way, I can be a little bit more like Cole. And that one day, when I see him in Heaven, he will look at me and say, "Isn't living life the greatest?"

One last thing. Cole's funeral is something that I will never forget. Now, don't get me wrong, funerals are the worst. But Cole's was incredible. There were hundreds of people there, no exaggeration. People from school, church, Dry Gulch, sports, family, you name it! And it's probably safe to say that they really did all know Cole. And, if I had to guess, they were there because Cole made an impression on them. But he didn't make an impression on them by sitting on the sidelines and letting life happen to him. He made an impression by going and doing and loving with all his heart.

Never Doubt I Love

"Doubt thou that the stars are fire; 

Doubt though that the sun doth move; 

Doubt truth to be a liar; 

But never doubt I love." 

-William Shakespeare

I have loved this quote ever since I saw Letters to Juliet in high school. My dear friend Kaitlyn and I actually described seeing this movie as a "life changing" experience! I always thought it was so precious and loved the idea of that kind of love. But today it took on a new meaning.

I was in the midst of a not-so-great day, which was actually preceded by another not-so-great day. It was one of those instances where a bunch of little things happened that wouldn't have been a big deal in and of themselves. But when they all happened at once, it felt like the end of the world. (For example: I almost ruined a cake I was making for my small group tonight. As I was doing some damage control to rescue the cake, I started doubting my ability to cook for my future family. Hilarious. And stupid.)

Anyway, I was being bombarded with confusions, doubts, questions, you name it. And this quote actually came to mind, but in a new way. I was beginning to feel as though there was little that I could do right and that there were few things going right in my life. Once again, I was letting a bunch of little things grow larger and larger in my mind, until it felt as though it was all I could see. But all the while, God was gently reminding me of His unfailing love.

I may have days where I doubt everything else. My ability to do my job, my ability to be a good wife and mom some day, my writing, my coaching, my worth, my intelligence, and on and on. But even through all of these doubts and concerns, Jesus remains the same. He never leaves me. He sees me in my weakness, and loves me anyway. He sees me when I succeed, and He sees me when I fall on my face in failure. He sees me when I do everything right, and He sees me when I fall short. And no matter what He sees, He loves me any way.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, my unfailing love for you will not be shaken." Isaiah 54:10


This also means that He loves me when I sin and fall short. I was totally not planning on writing this, but if you feel as though you have fallen out of God's ability to love you, you could not be further from the truth. He loves you and wants you back so badly. The Bible says that a good shepherd will leave His flock to find one lost sheep. That shepherd is Jesus! He is desperately searching for you and calling you back to Him. It's not too late, and you are not too far gone. He will welcome you back with open arms, and He will love you faithfully.