Now, I may be going out on a limb here. But my guess is, if you are over the age of 16, you have probably dealt with your fair share of breakups (or at least one). If you are married or in a serious relationship, maybe those don't really hurt any more. But if you are single, those breakups may still cause a little ache in your chest when you think about them. I can't speak for guys, or all girls for that matter, but I know, for a lot of us, when processing things after a break up, our thoughts often turn inward. What if I had said this instead? What if I had not said that? What if this was different or better about me? What if I had tried harder or hidden that part of myself? We begin to question ourselves. We might even go back to important conversations and begin to analyze every word we said or didn't say in those conversations, wondering if we could have changed the outcome.
I have never quite understood why we do this, but I think that it's pretty normal. Rather than thinking about what the other person could have done or said differently, we focus on ourselves. We begin to place all the blame on ourselves. Maybe it is some sort of defense mechanism. Like we think that by taking the blame on ourselves, we hold the keys to our hearts. We are the ones controlling whether or not we get hurt, all along avoiding the fact that somebody else hurt us and there was nothing we could have done to stop it.
One of my favorite bloggers, Stephanie May Wilson, came to the Lord after one of her toughest breakups. Because of the nature of her story, she talks a lot about things women face in life, including breakups. In a series of letters she wrote, she mentions a theory one of her friends told her about during a break up. She calls it the Bagel Theory. Now, at first, it may seem a little juvenile, and maybe even a little silly. But the more I thought about it, the more beautiful it became. Basically, the Bagel Theory is this: everyone is a different type of bagel, and everyone has a different kind of bagel that they like the most. So perhaps you are a chocolate chip bagel, but the person you were dating likes blueberry bagels the most. So, when things don't work out, it's not because there is anything wrong with you, you just aren't that person's kind of bagel.
Like I said, it sounds pretty silly. But it is also so beautiful and reassuring because it takes away the questions about ourselves. Instead of being critical of ourselves when our hearts are already hurting, it reminds us that we aren't the problem. It also keeps us from being critical of the other person. Instead of all the negative thoughts or feelings we inevitably have towards the person who hurt us, we begin to see that it wasn't personal. They just like a different kind of bagel. And that's okay, because we both want to be able to have our most favorite kind of bagel.
Maybe, like me, your heart is hurting right now. And maybe you have also been replaying conversations and wishing you had done or said something different. I will tell you what I told myself, STOP! You are not the problem. They are not the problem. You are two people in search of different bagels. And maybe, sweet friend, you are struggling because you thought they were your perfect fit. And it's hard to process how you could be so certain they were your favorite, but somehow you weren't theirs. And to be honest, I don't have the perfect words to say to you. Trust me, if I did, I would shout them from the rooftop. For you and me and everyone else with a hurting heart. All I can say, is that maybe you were mistaken about what your favorite kind of bagel was. Maybe you thought your favorite was chocolate chip, but there is actually a kind of bagel that you have never even heard of that will blow those chocolate chip bagels out of the water.
I am praying for you, friend. Because hurting hearts are often the worst kind of pain. Keep your eyes on Jesus. I know that is easier said than done, but I also know that He is faithful. Through your confusion and hurt and pain, He is still by your side. He is wrapping His arms around you and helping you take the next step towards healing. And it may be a painful step, but He is there all the same. His arms are the safest place for your heart to be. So talk to Him, even when you don't understand or feel like He let you down, talk to Him anyway. He can handle your anger and your hurt and your confusion. I promise you, He is weaving and knitting together the most beautiful story for you. Lean into Him and trust Him, and He will show Himself faithful. Always.
