Happy Birthday to Me

Another birthday. Another year. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I haven’t decided yet), my birthday falls fairly close to the new year. Because of this, I find myself reflecting on the past year twice as much. Maybe it’s just me, but when you’re reflecting on your year, whether because of a birthday or because of the calendar, I feel like you want to just be blown away by all the amazing things that happened. Things that you did. Things that God did. Big life moments and breakthroughs. Goals accomplished. Fears conquered. Sins overcome. Books read. Weight lost. New habits formed. Crap gotten together. And so forth. Just me?

When I started thinking about my birthday and a new year, I honestly got a little upset. I started realizing all the things I said I wanted to do and be and accomplish that didn’t happen. And, no matter the reason they didn’t, it sucked. There’s nothing quite like coming face to face with your short comings. Very shortly after that, because Jesus is so sweet and so good, I was reminded of the beauty of God’s kingdom. And the fact that it works differently than ours. I started remembering, and CHOOSING to remember, the things that did happen. God doesn’t remember our short-comings, and neither should we.

I received so many beautiful and needed and unexpected friendships that I have wanted and prayed for for so long. They did not come in the way or the packaging or the location that I planned in my head. Some of them were people that I knew and never expected to be able to get close to. But they’re here. And they ‘re honestly just such a huge blessing.

I set out to try new things this year. I went to freaking India. Who am I?? Did I have a life-changing experience? Nope. But I went. I started playing ultimate frisbee. Again, who am I? I am terrible. But it has become the highlight of my week! I went kayaking. I said yes to parties and get togethers where there was no guarantee there would be people I knew there. These may not seem like major things, but they were huge for me.

I started a new job. I was terrified. But I did it, and I love it. It is the perfect fit for me. Pouring into my students every day, even just being around them, has brought me so much joy and fulfillment. Jesus knows me so much better than I know myself.

My cheerleaders won runner-up at our Game Day competition. Once again, this may not seem like a big deal to some. (Some of you can’t get past the fact that somebody would be excited about anything other than first place.) But I know my girls. I know the changes and hardships they’ve been through over the past year. I know the hours and pain and injuries and tears that went into preparation for that day. I know that day was filled with with passion and determination. I know we made up a 17 point deficit between prelims and finals to move from 3^rd to 2^nd. I got to be a very small part of 12 girls experiencing what happens when you give all you have to something, and trust Jesus to bless it.

I got to see four precious friends get married and start new chapters in their lives. My brother and I have gotten closer. I got to visit my dear friend after she moved to Denver. I read lots of good books. I moved into a new apartment that I love. I cleaned out my closet (BIG deal for me.) And I got closer to Jesus.

I do want to say, I am not AT ALL trying to just tell you about all the great things that happened to me this year. My heart is to show you that sometimes the good things that you need to focus on, don’t necessarily seem like a big deal while they’re happening. Lots of times we’re waiting for big life moments. And sometimes the big life moments are lots of little ones put together. 

So, did I accomplish all my goals or succeed in all my resolutions? No. Not even close, actually. But I’m starting to be okay with that. I want to start reminding myself of and focusing on the things that DO happen each year. Rather than the things that don’t. Am I still going to set goals? Absolutely. I think it’s important to have a clear vision and direction. To refocus and redirect yourself every so often. But at the end of each day and the end of each year, reaching all my goals or checking off all the to-do items doesn’t actually mean anything. At the end of the day, I want to remember the good. Give God the glory, and thank Him for the gift of getting to do it all again tomorrow.

26, you were pretty good to me. And to all the people who helped make it great, thank you. Truly.

Here’s to 27. I’m not sure what you will bring me, but I’m ready.

When a Breakup Feels Like it's Breaking You

Found this post from a few months ago, and I wanted to go ahead and share it. I think I didn't before because it felt super vulnerable. But if my vulnerability helps somebody else, I can lay down my pride for a little bit and be vulnerable. 

You know, I have never quite understood why breakups are the worst. Like yes, it involves your heart. And yes, you also sometimes lose your best friend in the process. I get all of that. But no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we guard our hearts, the fact remains: breakups hurt. They heart our hearts, obviously. But they also seem to find ways to hurt other things. Our confidence, our hope, our dreams, our plans, our pride, and our day to day lives. The list goes on and on. And often times, the hurt comes back again, even after days, weeks, months of being perfectly fine. WHY?

To be honest, I thought I was getting married this year. All of the people who love me and are reading this are probably cringing right now. Because that’s one of those things that you aren’t supposed to admit. It’s something you are supposed to keep to yourself. Something you’re supposed to keep quiet. But I’m tired of living a “keep it quiet” life. Because how many times have I kept things quiet that somebody else needed to hear?  And you know what, I know for a fact that there are people out there who have had this same thought, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath them. They are left laying on their backs, stunned, confused, out of breath, and at a loss. It happens more times than we know, I'm sure.

I feel like one reason breakups hurt so bad, is because we don't talk about them. We are expected to put on a brave face and pretend that our life is going on like normal. But the thing about pushing things down and not expressing them, is that it usually makes it worse, not better. Emotions aren't meant to be ignored, they are meant to be expressed. You don't have to put on a brave face all the time. It's okay to hurt and to tell people that you do. I recently heard somebody say, "Since birth, tears have been a sign of life." WOW. Just wow. Cry your tears. They don't make you weak, they make you human.

Another reason is that we try to fill the void that person left with other things. We try to distract ourselves with family and friends. With errands and tasks. With overachieving and getting overly involved. We say yes to everything and no to pausing long enough to feel. Can I just tell you, this doesn't make it better either. This plan of action still leaves you broken and empty. The only thing that can fill that void you feel so deeply is Jesus. He is the only thing that can comfort your broken heart. The only thing that can bring you true comfort and peace in the midst of the pain.

So cry the tears. Talk about it. Walk through every painful step, keeping your eyes on Jesus. Pursue Him like never before. I promise you, He is the only thing that will bring you true healing and restoration.

The One

"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? Luke 15:4

I just love this verse. It has always been so amazing to me that Jesus would care so deeply about each individual soul that He would drop everything and pursue them. But I have to admit, until recently, I had always assumed this verse was talking about people who hadn't come to the Lord yet. People who were lost in the sense that they didn't have a relationship with Him yet. And I still believe that's true. But only part of the story. Recently, the Lord has been whispering to me that maybe it means a lot more than that. 

The more I interact with other Christians, the more I realize how broken we are. Even after finding Christ, it's so easy for parts of us to remain broken and in darkness. And for a good portion of my life, I believed that I was alone in this. I was alone in the fact that I continued to make mistakes. Alone in my debilitating fear. Alone in my struggle to build my relationship with Him. Alone in the fact that I felt like I kept disappointing God. Over the past year or so, I have thankfully realized how false that is. Jesus has brought so many people into my life that have helped me to see that I am in good company. It has been such a freeing experience to finally understand that God does not expect me to be perfect. He doesn't need me to fix all my imperfections in order to have a real relationship with Him. 

The first time I heard the song Reckless Love by Cory Asbury, I will admit that it pretty much wrecked me. (In a good way.) The words were so beautiful and comforting to me. It quickly became my go-to song. As I continued to listen to it, I continued to gain a deeper understanding for why I felt the way I did. Jesus doesn't just chase down the people who haven't met Him yet. He chases down me, too. He chases down all of us. His love for us is so reckless, that He will keep pursuing us, even when it doesn't make sense and we don't deserve it. The truth is, we are all "the one". Even when we know God and follow Him, we still need Him to come find us. And the beauty is, He does it every time. We are so precious to Him, that He continues to pursue us, even when we make screwing up a way of life. He continues to pursue us, even when we put up walls against Him. He continues to pursue us when we think we have finally blown it for good. He doesn't give up on us. Ever. 

I think the biggest lie that Satan has ever told us is that we can be too far gone for Jesus to love us. That we can get to a point where we pushed Him away or screwed up one too many times.  We can't outrun His love for us. He tears down every wall, every lie, every mistake, every doubt, every fear, and every shortcoming. He is leaving everything to search for you UNTIL HE FINDS YOU. He is so passionate about you that He won't give up. And any time you try to outrun him again, He will search for you and gently bring you back. Every time. 

Beauty in Brokenness

If you have grown up in church, or have been in the church for any length of time, you have probably heard somebody say something like "don't just seek God in the hard times." or "seek God in the good, not just the bad." And while I believe this is absolutely true, I think it can make us fall into the ditch on the other side.

Here's what I mean. How many times have you been going through something hard and not brought it to God? Whether it's because you think it's not big enough for Him to care about or not wanting to be accused of only seeking Him in the difficult times. Or maybe you are just stubborn and have the "I'm going to figure this out on my own" mentality. (Guilty 🙋🏻) Whatever the reason, bringing things to God sometimes happens as a last ditch effort. Like, "Well, I've tried everything else, and nothing has worked. I guess I'll pray about it now."

This past year, one of the best things somebody told me was that God WANTS us to come to Him with our heartbreak, our hard times, and our sadness. When we are dealing with something, He wants to be there with us. He wants to help us walk through it. He wants to be there with His peace and His mighty, powerful, safe, outstretched arms.

As I was driving home a few weeks ago, I saw the most beautiful sunset. There was a storm coming in at the same time, and the sky was a crazy, beautiful contrast of light and dark. What I realized looking at that sunset, was that sometimes there is beauty in the midst of our brokenness. Sometimes our most beautiful and vibrant moments with God happen in the midst of darkness. So, should we make sure we continue to seek God in our good times? Definitely. But don't let that keep you from coming to Him with the hard stuff. He loves us and cares about EVERY part of our lives. So run to Him in the good, and fall into His arms in the bad. He will be there and love you through both.

This song by Ellie Holcomb is an incredibly beautiful reminder about finding God in the midst of the every circumstance. 

Manicures, Bitterness, & Valentine's Day

Sometimes God uses seemingly insignificant things to teach us and reveal His truths to us. Most recently, He used my manicure. My specific nail color to be exact. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Getting my nails done hasn’t always been something that I’ve done. But recently, it has become one of my favorite things. On the way to the nail salon Monday, I decided to paint my nails a dark color. Most likely black. Because after all, what says “I hate Valentine’s Day” more than black nails, right? I was like weirdly excited to commit this small act of rebellion. (Clearly I haven’t done a lot of rebellious things in life.) When I got to the salon, I landed on a very dark gray color. I guess I was thinking that might look a little less “stick it to the man” than straight up black? As I began to get my nails done, I started questioning my decision. I didn’t really know why. I paint my nails dark colors all the time. Why was this different? 

Pink. Pink is the color that came to my mind next. Pink?? I mean, it’s my favorite and I love it. But not now. Not this week. After all, I am supposed to be single and loving it. I am supposed to be sporting these dark nails proudly for all the world to see my bitterness. WAIT, what?? I had this like nails on the chalkboard, screeching breaks type moment. I was bitter. Like really bitter. I mean, I kind of already knew it. I had actually told my mom just two days earlier that I thought I might be. But this moment showed it to me so clearly. I was bitter about being single again. And I was bitter that in the past few months, I have spent another Christmas, New Years, and now Valentine’s Day alone.  Even sitting here typing this, I can almost feel the physical weight of it. 

But then Jesus showed up. As I was sitting in that chair, changing my color to pink, (Thankfully, my nail lady was totally cool with it!) I felt Jesus begin to whisper to my heart. “You can’t grow to love me more and surrender your heart to me more if it’s full of bitterness.” Ouch. The past few months, I have been growing closer to Jesus and learning more about Him than I have in a long time. And it has been so beautiful. But in that moment, He reminded me that to grow closer to Him and become more like Him and more full of His love, we have to give up some things, too. We have to lay down some of the weights that are entangling us.

Today, I’m proudly donning my pink nails. (Which I obviously ended up loving because...pink, duh.) Now, I’ll admit, the bitterness is not completely gone. It’s going to take some time to break down that wall. But I am so thankful that Jesus showed me it was there and showed me that it was affecting me more than I realized. And He showed it to me so gently and with so much love. I know it may sound cliche, but Jesus is so near and so available to us. The story and evidence of His grace and love is in everything we do and see and encounter. Don’t ever discount a season or job or situation that you may find yourself in. He will meet us where we are and reveal himself to us in just the right ways and at just the right times. Open your ears and your heart to His voice. I promise He won’t let you down. 

Breaking Fasts and Breaking Silence

It happened yesterday. I broke my fast. It was late at night, I had had a bad day, and I just wanted a laugh. So I got on Instagram. I stayed on for maybe 5 minutes, watched a few people's stories, and immediately got off. And wouldn't you know it, I immediately felt terrible. Now, don't get me wrong, I should have felt a little bad. God asked me to give up social media for Him, and I gave in to temptation. So, there should have been a little bit of conviction. But what followed was not just a little bit of conviction that went away. What followed was an onslaught of guilt and shame and condemnation. Way to go, Lauren. You can't even do something for the Lord for 21 days. It's just Instagram. Are you really so immature that you can't stay off for a little while? How are you supposed to do anything big for the Lord if you can't even do this?

This may sound dramatic, but it's pretty much exactly what happened. Now, I did realize how ridiculous it was very quickly and shut it down. But I was still so amazed with how quickly the voice of the enemy was able to invade my thoughts. I know, especially because of books like Crash the Chatterbox and Battlefield of the Mind, that this is a common issue for a wide range of people. I have heard multiple people and books and reading plans say the same thing over the past few months. Bringing things into the light is the only way to beat them. Only when things are in the light can God begin changing them. Satan does his best work in our thoughts. Things that remain only in our heads are still in the dark. They are left there to fester and grow and continue to plague us day after day.

I cannot tell you how freeing it is to finally bring something into the light that has been hidden in the darkness for so long. Whether it is something small, like a negative thought pattern, or something a little bit bigger, like something from your past that you have never shared with anybody, can I give you some friendly advise? Tell somebody! Don't let Satan continue to plague your thoughts with shame.

In her Unashamed reading plan, Christine Caine says it so perfectly. "Sin and its shame were left entombed. Conquered. Vanquished. Paid for. Redeemed by His blood sacrifice. It is finished. The blood of Jesus has heard you. The blood of Jesus has set you free. Jesus was wounded for your healing; He bore your shame so you could live free." (Side note: shame may feel like an extreme word if you are dealing with something like a negative or fearful thought pattern. But Christine Caine also describes shame as the fear of being unworthy. And I promise you that toxic thoughts can 100% make you feel unworthy of God's love or His promises. So don't let that word throw you!) 

So bring your thoughts into the light. Let somebody in. And most importantly, let God in. Let Him set you free. I promise it is so worth it. And the freedom that follows is so beautiful!