Who are You Living For?

As I am writing this, I am really hoping that I am not the only person who has ever experienced this. Because I have been experiencing this in major ways lately. How many times have we heard people quoting “God will give us the desires of our heart” in support of a decision or a choice they were making? Yeah, quite a bit, I imagine. I have said it, too! And don’t get me wrong, I truly do believe that! But, here’s the thing I think we forget lots of times, sometimes (actually, all the time) God knows the TRUE desires of our hearts better than we do. 

So, about a month ago, I got back from a mission trip to Zimbabwe. (More on that to come.) I have been on multiple mission trips, about one per year. So naturally, people kept asking me which trip I was going to go on next year. I always said generally the same thing. “I’m not sure yet. There are several I’m trying to decide between. But, I do know which one I will NOT be going on. India.” The next question would usually be to ask me why. And again, my answer was the same. “I just never need to go there. India is a place that I have literally no desire to go to.” 

<Insert laughter here> Want to know why? Turns out, God had different plans. As people continued to ask me what trip I thought I would go on, India was always the first place that came to my mind. I just brushed it off at first. “Hilarious God. You and I both know that’s not happening.” Every time I thought about signing up for a different trip, I couldn’t do it. It just didn’t seem right. Around this same time, my family and I finally watched the movie Lion, which takes place in, you guessed it, India. “God, I can’t go there. It’s dirty and crowded. It’s probably smelly, too. God, this is not the kind of trip I like. You know that. You know I never want to go to India. Why would you ask me to go there?” I began to fight God on it, BIG time. At the end of the movie, there were some stats about the number of kids trafficked in India each year. And of course, I started bawling. In my heart, I knew I had to go. But even through the seeing and the knowing, I continued to argue with God about it. I knew I needed to go, but refused to admit it.

A little over a week ago, I was attending a service at Oneighty. The message was all about being in God’s will. (Coincidence? Probably not.) There were a lot of things in the service that stuck out to me. But the biggest was a question that was presented. “Who are you living for? God or yourself.” I knew that question was for me. If I chose to go on a different trip, I would be making that decision for myself. Not because I actually thought it was the trip I was supposed to go on. I was scared to death, but I could feel God whispering to me that I could do it and that He had me. So, when I got home that night, I filled out the application. To be honest, I’m still terrified. I still find myself arguing with God when I start to think about it. (So much so, that I didn't tell my family about signing up until yesterday!) But I have to remind myself that God knows me better than I know myself. The things we are doing on this trip and the organizations we are going to be working with are all of the things that are near and dear to my heart. I have never felt called to a particular trip like this before. And even through my fear and worry, I know that God has got me. And I know that He is guiding my every step. 

After I signed up for India, I thought about applying for the trip that I actually wanted to go on. You want to know what’s cool? I felt total peace about it! After I took the step that God asked me to take and trusted Him with my heart and my desires, He gave me the peace I needed to pursue that desire of my heart. See, when God’s will seems to be different than our own, I think we need to stop and remind ourselves that God created us. He knows the desires in our hearts so much better than we ever can. He also sees the big picture of our lives and what steps it’s going to take to get us to the places He has for us. Don’t assume that God is asking you to do something contrary to your desires. He just knows what’s in your heart, underneath all the other stuff that sometimes gets in the way. Trust Him. You can do it. He’s got you. 

Cole

Today, I came across this post that I wrote in April. I'm not sure why I didn't post it then. But reading over it again, I knew that I was ready to share it today.

This past March marked nine years since my precious cousin Cole passed away. Each year when it rolls around, I acknowledge it privately, but try not to dwell on it. I miss him dearly, but I also know that he is having so much fun in Heaven. I feel like he is probably BFF's with Jesus by now. Anyway, this year, I haven't quite stopped thinking about it. I truly wish that everyone on earth could have met Cole. He was so much fun, and was genuinely liked by everyone. His joy and kindness were so evident in everything he did. I will never forget the time he thought a boy had made me cry and was ready to go beat him up, without hesitation. Or how he pronounced my name "Lorn." Or the fact that he waned to be just like Lane Frost when he grew up. (Oh, how many times we watched 8 Seconds!!)

Lately, I have been trying really hard to lead a little bit more of an exciting life. (Since right now, my life consists of work, Netflix, books, and ice cream.) But somehow, I always end up falling back into the mundane rhythms we often find ourselves in. Recently, I made a list of exciting things I want to do or places I want to go. I also decided that I was going to try to say "yes" more often when people ask me to do things or try things.

As I was thinking about Cole tonight, I realized part of the reason his life and joy and happiness were so infectious. Cole truly and completely lived his life to the fullest. He was always trying new things and doing exciting (sometimes dangerous) things. I am sure this attitude of being up for anything and everything got him into trouble more times than he could count. But, at the same time, I wonder if there is any other way to live. Cole's life was entirely too short. He passed away 11 days before his 15th birthday. But I think he had a life that was filled with as much joy and adventure and fun as a person three times his age.

Now, please do not stop reading this when you realize the cheesy moral of this post. I sometimes think that the cheesy things we try to ignore, are actually the things we need to be reminded of the most. How many times have we heard the phrases about living life to the fullest? Live, laugh, love. YOLO. No regrets. Dance like nobody is watching. It's not the number of breaths you take, but the moments that...blah blah blah. I think we can all agree that those phrases are way overused. However, when we picture the lives we want to live or the experiences we want to have or the places we want to go, those cheesy phrases are often exactly how we want to go about life. We want to travel to all the places on our list. We want to go skydiving or snorkeling. We want to try to start that new hobby that we have always been interested in, but never been brave enough to try. Because, after all, what if we fail? Or what if something we try or a place we go isn't as wonderful as we thought it would be? What then?

If I'm being honest, that is often the reason I don't do the things I want to. I am worried that I won't like it or it won't be what I expected or it will be scary. But honestly, so what? So what if you end up hating snorkeling? What if skydiving is terrifying? What if you go to Italy, and it's nothing like what you expected? At least you did it! At least you finally tried something new. At least you crossed a country off of your bucket list. I hope that I can start living my life like this. I want to travel to the places I've always wanted to go. I want to try new hobbies that I might be terrible at. And I might even want to go skydiving. I would like to think, that by living my life this way, I can be a little bit more like Cole. And that one day, when I see him in Heaven, he will look at me and say, "Isn't living life the greatest?"

One last thing. Cole's funeral is something that I will never forget. Now, don't get me wrong, funerals are the worst. But Cole's was incredible. There were hundreds of people there, no exaggeration. People from school, church, Dry Gulch, sports, family, you name it! And it's probably safe to say that they really did all know Cole. And, if I had to guess, they were there because Cole made an impression on them. But he didn't make an impression on them by sitting on the sidelines and letting life happen to him. He made an impression by going and doing and loving with all his heart.